Climax Online resident blogger Andy Garrway hits the bars of Clapham and gets a little more than he bargained for…

If, like me, youʼre a huge fan of the gaysofsouthlondon tumblr, youʼll have heard of the Clapham club ʻTwo Brewersʼ. 95% of the references on this brilliant blog go straight over my head and, until the other day, the references to this pinnacle of South London gay nightlife meant little more to me than the gifs about recognising people from grindr *innocent face*. But now I understand it all.

It had all the trademarks of a great night out: a queue thatʼs long enough to know you wonʼt be the only one dancing to Turn Back Time; a stage (clocked that the moment I walked through the door); and a DJ who plays 1D without being prompted. Heaven.

So, after paying crazy money for a pint that ended up mainly on the floor (genteel cocktail bar this ainʼt), my boyfriend and I made our way to the stage to enjoy this evening’s drag entertainment. The night soon began in earnest when, a few overpriced drinks later, we were crabdancing to ʻEuphoriaʼ, showing the gaysofsouthlondon just what they had been missing.

A few hours later I left the bar, alone, in search of food. Stumbling home with a handful of chips I was approached by a young man who seemed equally drunk and who was eager for one of my chips. He was heading in the same direction as me and started to chat about his night out, before helping himself to another chip and putting his arm around my shoulder for support. I thought this a bit odd but hadnʼt had chance to shrug him off before I felt a hand go into the front pocket of my skinny jeans and lift my iPhone right out. These were the jeans that require a military operation just to get on, no less!

More surprised than anything, I asked for my phone back to which the man professed his innocence. I stood there looking at him, then at my phone in his hand before shouting at him to give me it back. Thatʼs when his mate ran round the corner towards us and I thought ʻshitʼ, this isnʼt going to end well. Luckily they then ran off across the Common and I was left with nothing more than wounded pride. Oh yeah, and an insurance excess to pay as well as an incredible replacement phone that doesnʼt accept incoming calls.

So even though Iʼd taken all the precautions I could for my phone, I was all too willing to make the simplest mistake – walking home alone when drunk.

Donʼt be a victim:

  • Have a PIN code on you phone – not just for switching it on but for unlocking it too
  • Enable the ʻFind my iPhoneʼ function
  • Change your settings so that Location Services canʼt be switched off without the PIN
  • Donʼt walk home alone. Drunk. Eating chips.
  • Wear even tighter jeans!

Editor’s note: Prey is another great, and free, app that will help locate your lost or stolen phone.

Text: Andy Garraway

photo credit: Incinerator via photopin cc